urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:quantumintegral quantumintegral quantumintegral 2006-01-11T05:06:35Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:quantumintegral:1083 2006-01-11T05:06:35Z 2006-01-11T05:06:35Z Who do we give most recognition to? If you're going through a hard time, lots of people will come to your aid. A lot of people. Definitely not just one. But even then, one person gets the most recognition, most thanks, most reciprocity. And the thing is, this person may not even have contributed the most. But he shines in this role. He gets the top award. And the others, including he/she who has done the most gets shoved into oblivion. Its been like that recently, I have tried, I have contributed and God knows I've been sincere, but even then, I get shoved into the corner as 'the guy who sometimes helped'. or basically 'the guy who doesnt matter'. <br />I've been observing my life lately, and I realised that I dont play a major role in anybody's life. I play minor roles in many many lives, but my participation, my efforts are not deemed attention-worthy to all. Very few people acknowledge my presence, my help and the troubles I go through trying to help someone. I do not expect anything in return, and yet now i'm bitching about this. Maybe its just because 'not expecting' is ok, but 'totally being ignored' is another. If people cant appreciate my help, FUCK THEM. <br />Continuing with minor roles - I hate playing second fiddle to anybody. I hate it. Absolutely friggin despise it. If i'm doing something, I'd like to be the best. Not anything less. Though there have been ample situations where that has not been true in the past, but things will change. It is dark now, and after the darkness, when the sun shines out, it'll shine out the clearer and brighter. Maybe you need the darkness to appreciate the light. <br />Not that I wasnt selfish before, but here's a declaration to all who read this: I am stopping to give a FUCK about some people's life. I just don't care anymore. Take your problems elsewhere. You got problems bitch? you're not the only one. Everybody's got problems. So keep your fucking problems with you, coz i sure as hell dont push mine on you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:quantumintegral:810 2005-12-15T01:09:17Z 2005-12-15T01:09:17Z i just cant seem to get any work done. no motivation whatsoever. i am frustated. i need to get to work. <br />shiat urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:quantumintegral:623 2005-12-11T04:08:57Z 2005-12-11T04:08:57Z Lord<br />I must be strong now<br />I don't belong now<br />In this world anymore<br /><br />I'll say a final prayer for<br />Those I care for<br />Who've kept my company<br /><br />My need is clear<br />I'm dying to have you near<br />To me<br /><br />Lord<br />I don't belong now<br />If you are waiting<br />I am not afraid to die<br /><br />I'm prepared to go<br />Divide my body and soul<br />Won't you<br /><br />Lord<br />I don't belong now<br />If you are waiting<br />I am not afraid to die<br /><br />Have mercy<br />Lord, I'm told it's paradise<br />To have and to hold you<br /><br />Lord<br />I must be strong now<br />I don't belong now<br />In this world anymore<br /><br />Lord<br />I won't be long now<br />If you are waiting<br />I am not afraid to die urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:quantumintegral:338 2005-11-27T01:39:08Z 2005-11-27T01:39:08Z What a wonderful world: Louis Armstrong After I came back from Lake Orion, back to Bursley, I had the strangest feeling: I was back in my freshman year. It wasnt something out of the ordinary, I have been a reminiscing quite a bit recently, but as I walked into Bursley with my travel bad and the cookies Kyle's mum had baked for us, I felt just like the kid who had entered Bursley over 3 and a half years ago, dragging all his stuff in huge bags, shoelaces untied, and nose red from the blistering cold outside. As i walked in through the main lobby, I saw in my mind's eye, Leslie Goo standing near the front desk, eyes still playful, smile still vibrant, telling me that she had no idea I went to Michigan. I smelled the familiar Bursley scent - a mixture of the floor cleaner and something else. I saw me walking down the connector - tight shirt, dress pants, sneakers and a moustache. I wouldnt have liked that kid today- someone i wouldnt be immediately compelled to talk to. But there I was, standing alone in the connector, while it snowed outside and the storm raged. <br />I pulled myself to 3rd Lewis and dumped my stuff in my room, which has become a shit hole to do work in. I think now, how grateful i was to get a single in the first year. I valued it, treasured it, thanked God for it. Now I can't do anywork in it. Its become a symbol of unproductivity to me. I chucked my stuff into the room, and went to Kyle's to watch Kingdom of Heaven and eat pizza. <br />Later that night, i lay awake in my bed, starting out through my window, watching the snow fall gently to the white white ground. I was warm in my blanket, but I couldnt sleep. I just kept staring out of the window, watching the the lamps outside glow in the wintery night. I thought a lot that night- how my time here has been, what I have achieved, what i have lost. Eventually sometime between the infinite flake hitting the ground and the sunrise, I fell asleep. <br />I think of whats happened so far, i remember the nights when Malav, Sid and I would order pizza from the MU, doing 320. the night watching Love Actually with Sumit, where we watched the movie till 5AM, and couldnt go to any classes after that. the night I first puked after drinking vodka and water with Gunjan, because we didnt have anything to mix it with, the endless nights in the hallway, chatting with the guys, the night with John singing carols in the East Lounge. the night i first fell asleep with poo alongside coz that was the first night in a long time i hadnt woken up in the middle of the night. the night when 2 of my best friends broke up and probably cried all night. the night in the coffee shop, where a woman i liked told me that we could just be friends. the numerous nights I came back home late and Bursley was the quitest place ever. so many things, so many places and so many people. sometimes its overwhelming, sometimes I'm just happy to be here. <br />Someone once told me to make a list of those I consider a friend. My list just kept going, there's no one i wouldnt consider a friend. I hated once, and its true I;ve hated more than just once, but i'm letting go of it. There's too much pain in hating, too much hurt in despising. I'm letting it go. Slowly. Surely. Its been four years, and i've learnt to release that latent anger in me. I've learnt to love, to care, and to accept. the journey has been long, and its not over, its just the part of the road, where you look back at the distance you have travlled and smile. and then move on. I want to post the list sometime of all the people i consider friends. I might forget a few by mistake and I ask you to forgive me and remember that you hold a place in my heart nonetheless.<br />Its still snowing outside, and slumber steals slowly across my eyelids. Some other time, some other day, I'll say more, I'll say what I should. Till then, I'll be in neverland.